Traits Of William

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Blue Star

Posted by William on February 7, 2014 at 1:25 AM Comments comments (46)

Detaching my two halves once again I had found a star to dance with. I departed from my lonely moonless planet, flooded with oceans of tears, drowning down a molten core of bitter infused anger. Deep, out in the space of an empty black garbage bag vacuum, there was a light at the end. It was a strange blue star, unlike any other star I had come across until now, those whose light was yellow in fear of heartbreak and red with the scars of tragedy. I was helpless. Like a cosmic moth floating to his death. But I refused to burn instantly. My body adamant with Darwin’s adapt or die principle I wasn’t going to let the feeling be fleeting.

I inhaled the poisonous flaming gases and learned to breathe fire; my aura was bright with azure flames. But I became so focused on just learning to survive that I forgot about gravity. Every star has a dense gravitational pull that rips every atom towards it. Not for fuel, not for predatation , not for the sake of it. It is simply what happens.

And on the day I finally relaxed my body to becoming the coals of this combusting madness. It vanished. I was back in the pitch blackness of my own soul. And without that gravity that had kept me adrift for so long I was jettisoned back to my lonely planet. Those shooting stars we so often see are dreams crashing on themselves, wrapped in a chorus of their own screams falling on the deaf ears of the planets they pass.

I had never fallen from this high before. I was scared. Tears filled my eyes, but hissed to steam under the intense pressure of my own cloak of flames. To make matters worse, as I returned to my planet, to my other half. I began breaking apart upon re-entry to the atmosphere. By this point I hadn’t noticed that I had been charred, a lump of coal in the shape of a human.

Waiting to be swallowed by my own oceans, I made contact with a ceiling of iron tempered ice. I had been in space so long that I had forgotten my world froze over and the climate had changed. From a phone call from two months prior.

 

Echo Echo...

Posted by William on November 7, 2012 at 9:25 PM Comments comments (0)

Like always without warning she showed up, and contrary to the past and how i feel she entered. But even though the cycle was running its usual destructive path the deep grooves, marks and tracks that its left from its long laborious travels through my soul were starting to show... or at least were starting to take a toll on me. An angel whose wings were torn off, whose angelic silken clothing was drenched in blood and tears, it was a terrible sight.. i'd seen it before many times. But even though its magnitude was at its peak, after all my efforts being thrown in my face i wasn't in the mood to be as supportive as I could've been. I wasn't always this bitter. Like a ritual, she filled my room the moans and lamentations of mistakes and men, often them being the same thing. It had become like background soundtrack to the begining of a bad night, my mind wasn't absorbing it in its usual manner, the strained suckling of a straw in her cold words. No. This time, my mind, a cave secluded from the outside world, her words seeping in through my semi permeable stone walls. As I sat alone, at the heart of my cave, the air tempered with blarringly fierce silence; something slipped through. "Do you trust me?". The last seal that was wedging the two halves of my mind apart, to keep them from overlapping completely, shook with terrified vibrations. I surfaced to awareness, we were in her car. Only the backlight from the dashboard and the gravel graduated by street lines a meter in front of us was visible. The further we drove, the more the town sank away. Atop a monumental view  the town was like a lake, reflecting off the the pitch black sky littered with hanging lanterns. I sometimes forget the majesty of life's artistry. Sitting in the passenger seat staring down from the mountain top. At the footsteps of heaven, and the ceiling of the world - there's nothing I could do but take it all in. The deep vaccum of space my soul violently gasped it all into my existence, i could feel everything she was saying ripple through me not like a narration or a rewatching of a familiar series you've seen a thousand times over but I was reliving my own past, her horror stories were mine, her frustrations were mine. I'm not done being trying to be happy. So I hid in my cave, were my soul doesn't echo. Were there's nothing but me, my silence and my dark passanger. I'm a coward.

Mama

Posted by William on November 4, 2012 at 2:35 PM Comments comments (0)

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Just One Dance...

Posted by William on November 4, 2012 at 2:10 PM Comments comments (0)

It wasn't that long ago when you were the person that tore pain through my body when i saw anything that remined me of you, mostly the field of baby sunflowers on my way home a daily memo to the past. Of late thanks to everything thats bee happening inside my mind I saaw past it all, the colour yellow was just yellow, and sun flowers were just plants. The last chance for the majority of the alumni of my university to go out and party was a week before exams, the weekend before swot week - the time when the streets are omniously silent and somewhere in the background of reality massive volumes of information is being consumed at incredible speeds, study study study. But before all that, the clubs are alive with music and merriment of youth. I was vulnerable, just waiting for a good time to fall into my lap was the usual choice on the parochial menu but not this weekend, i was vulnerable, i was a yes man. Yes yes yes. Improvise and become the good time. Amazingly(sarcasm), two of the people who'd caused the most turmoil in my life had arrived, Him and Her, in separate groups but in no way did that ease my natural unease, but if there's something i've come to learn faking it to make is key to me surviving socially. Him and I barely exchanged glances, but her and I exchanged friendly words, mechanical or not i felt good about being upset automatically. 



But if there's something I'm not able to calculate its new friends, flowing darkened brown hair, stunningly sharp eyes hazel in the sun with flecks of gold at times, and a humbling voice accented with a distinguished tone, she asked me to dance with Her. (not the girl i'v just described, but Her). And much to my own friend's disapproval I said yes, that night was not for uniformity, banality or familiarity. It was a night to be vulnerable. It was just one dance but it was because of it that i have some form of contentment now.. Just one dance that can change lives.. Just one dance that lights up the future.

21

Posted by William on November 2, 2012 at 8:10 AM Comments comments (0)

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The last thing that I sang to her, underneath the stars...

Karmin's cover of Someone like You...

Posted by William on November 2, 2012 at 8:05 AM Comments comments (0)

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The Good Times End...

Posted by William on November 2, 2012 at 7:30 AM Comments comments (0)

The last couple of weeks have been good to me, I've been happy for much longer than I'm used to. Too often I fight the feeling knowing that at some point i'm gonna be let down by a friend or old wounds will give birth to new blood. A few weeks ago, I made a bold move and entrusted my happiness to one person. Which contradicts my Tight Rope Principle.

My tight rope priciple, which is basically allow my heart to hold onto lots of people at once. So that if i'm hurt by one the pain gets drowned out in the vibrance of the others. Honestly of all my schemes, plans, and ways of keeping myself from being shrouded in my own devices. This was the dumbest plan I'v ever conjured together, but.. for the most part it's been working...

I drop all the bull that I'd been putting up with till now and just fell, no safety net to catch me, no shallow words of comfort from the First Ruth, or from that New House, or anywhere else. Only the thrill of falling and waiting to fly, the fun filled shrill of excitement screaming past my ears as I fell hopelessly. I think it was descarts that said "In order to seek truth, it is necessary once in the course of our life to doubt, as far as possible, of all things.", what she meant was in order to learn something even about ourselves, we must forget everything pertaining to the thing that we wish to learn about. Let fall all the prinicples, all the codes, all the secrets, all the things that makes it 'be'. And in a single moment's breath i forgot all my traits i forgot all the senseless pain forgot myself, but the good times always end cloud nine falters and you fall, my simple falling became hopeless plummeting back to earth. Like Icarus we fly high, to crash hard.

Impact...


Silence...


Regenisis...


The crater that i'm lying in now, is empty. It's not filling with tears. It's not echoing my screams. It's sinking deeper with fear. It is what it is. Empty. The empty mutalated earth that was green and vibrant only moments ago. Empty....

S&M

Posted by William on November 2, 2012 at 7:15 AM Comments comments (0)

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me. Glad I got that out the way, Rihanna lyrics that came on when I started this post. Totally irrelevant I think :P.. Sado-masochism is  the combination of sadistic and masochistic elements in one person, characterized by both aggressive and submissive periods in relationships with others. Sadist: I usually generalise but I'm gonna be honest, there is a part of me I'm not sure how large, that gains some form of gratification from seeing pain in others efforts. But its very conditional, it must be after they have wronged me in some way shape or form. In retrospect I feel like karma is doing me a favour, both in the dealing of a foul hand to those who have crossed me and allowing me to bare witness. Masochist: if you've been reading my blog till now, which i thank you for both reading and putting up with my terrible grammar (there's no spell check on this app), you know that at some level i'm a masochist. Its not that I enjoy it, or I gain some form of gratification from it its that I write better when I've been left in a dark emotion. The graver the pain the better I feel after typing it out. Its a sick cycle which I hope at some point ends. But its been the driving force till now and I hope I can learn from it and manifest a fetish for happiness. 

Rubber Man

Posted by William on November 2, 2012 at 6:45 AM Comments comments (0)

In a fictional universe crafted by Eiichiro Oda, there exists a boy who eat a special kind of fruit that turned his body into rubber, or rather his body gained rubber like properties. He is able to stretch great distances and take an unreal amount of damage. He is even immune to the monstrosity of lightning. Truly I envy him... to be able to take so many blows, to be able to take the harshness of the world, to be able to rebound all the pains of the world. I envy him. But its not impossible to become the rubber man, no not at all. Very easily our attitudes can become our nature. To take every word against us and hurl it back, to strech one's mannerism to fit a situation, to numb oneself against a torturous reality. The rubber men exist. They are a thriving race of humans that are contort with cynicism, and sythetic emotions made to blend into the never ending drum of human noise. Everyday that passes stretches me a tiny bit further. Every moment that goes by contorts me harder. Every second that beats, is the cermonial prologue to my rebirth as a rubber man.

Say You Will...

Posted by William on October 30, 2012 at 8:50 PM Comments comments (0)

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